not a soul in all these lonely streets

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Things Are Going

I'm supposed to be doing my chemistry homework right now (I will get it done I promise) but I thought I would take a bit of a break to update. I've been doing better today than I have this entire week actually. My mom has been sort of mean these past weeks, and I just kind of brushed it off, thinking Ok Nicole, don't freak out, it's probably menopause or something, you'll be fine


It wasn't Fine at all. I kind of had a bit of a breakdown where I kept on sobbing (ok well not sobbing, that would be undignified, but I did break out into tears) and it took my mom an hour to calm me down. I am so so glad it's a three day weekend, because now I have time to get my homework done so I can feel good about myself! Yay!

I honestly have been terrible about workouts lately, which I need to catch up on. I am also in terrible need of deodorant, because I have been kind of embarrassed this week and I decided that I Will Put Up With This Anymore I Am A Responsible Sixteen Year Old Girl I Should Not Smell Like The Sixth Grade Boys Locker Room (as in before they discovered Axe and decided that it is Okay to smell like gross sweat).

It's funny, because I have a lot of stuff that I need to pick up, but I was hesitant to ask my mom because 1. She was irritated 2. I am already going on a trip to Seattle so I feel bad about asking her for more things 3. She was irritated (did I mention this?)

One day I hope I can inspire fear in others whenever I want to the level my mother has. It's funny because she isn't a physically imposing woman, but she is a master at expressing things through body language. I am slowly learning to do this like her (and I am becoming more and more successful as the days pass), but it is still amazing to watch. When she is angry, the room seems to darken and the seems like she is barely restraining herself from unleashing her full fury. People are surprised when they learn she is a fifty year old woman because the way she carries herself in public makes her seem thirty years old. It's amazing.

Since I'm already on the subject of inspirational women in my life, let me tell you about a more recent addition to the ever-so-long list. Note to self: make a tag for this, because I want to write more about it later

Her name is Esmeralda Weatherwax. The english translation of the dwarfish name for her is "She Who Must Be Avoided". To the mountain trolls, she is "Go Around The Other Side Of The Mountain". To her subordinates (in her mind at least), she is Mistress Weatherwax,to her patients and students, it's Granny Weatherwax, to her elders she is The Girl Weatherwax, and to her friends, she is Esme.

She is smart. Oh, she is so so smart. Not in a bookish way (she can't be having with books), but in a common sense way, in the way she looks at the world. In her own words, she is "heartless but not headless", sensible down to the bone. Instead of seeing what she would like to see as most people do, she sees what is actually there. She learned her craft of "headology" from a woman named Nanny Gripes, along with everything else the woman had to teach her. In a week.

She's strong. She can outrun a horse. In fact, you would have to run to keep up with her at her normal walking pace. She temporally displaced an entire kingdom twenty years into the future. She can fight so hard that even the Queen of the Elves has to admit that she is good. She is used to hard work, like milking cows and feeding chickens and delivering babies and digging graves and laying out corpses and just helping people. She will help anyone, no questions asked. If there was a nasty old mountain troll that everyone hated and they needed a baby delivered, she would do it. If an old hermit got sick and needed someone to sit up with him and chat or play cards and generally just take care of him, she would do it.

She has a quality that in anyone not wearing a black pointy hat and an antique black dress might be called poise. Absolute poise. You couldn't imagine her making an awkward movement unless she wanted to.

Even so, she is not Nice. Yes, she might be Right and Good, but only because she had to balance out her sister, who was supposed to be the good one. She always has a foot in the shadow, and a lot of her power comes from denying that. She is not nice. You could bounce rocks off her pride. She is stubborn as fuck: once she is set on something, it would take only death to make her stop. She has a stare like a gimlet: it seems to pierce right through you. But, she is still a Good person, despite her temperament.

I guess I like her because it seems like she can do anything. One of her friends said, "I thought she would just keep on going forever". I like her because I think I see some of myself in her, and she is what I aspire towards. She makes me want to work hard, and try to become the best.


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